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Just a Joke

Enter here for humour and irreverence.
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Nick
Posts: 11027
Joined: July 4th, 2007, 10:10 am

Re: Just a Joke

#721 Post by Nick » September 12th, 2013, 4:41 pm

Latest post of the previous page:

A gag from Les Dawson:

"He had the hairiest chest I've ever seen! With his tight shirt unbuttoned, he looked like a burst sofa....."



:hilarity:

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Dave B
Posts: 17809
Joined: May 17th, 2010, 9:15 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#722 Post by Dave B » September 12th, 2013, 5:56 pm

Nick wrote:A gag from Les Dawson:

"He had the hairiest chest I've ever seen! With his tight shirt unbuttoned, he looked like a burst sofa....."



:hilarity:
I was listening to the radio at the same time - a great loss to comedy when LD died!
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

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Dave B
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Re: Just a Joke

#723 Post by Dave B » September 24th, 2013, 8:02 pm

A German Joke:

Two old farmers are sitting in the bar, just staring forward and sipping at their lagers.

In comes an American who boastfully says, "It takes me three days to drive from one end of my farm to another."

The two farmers look at him and one says, "Ja, I used to have a car like that once."
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

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Justme
Posts: 348
Joined: August 30th, 2013, 3:03 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#724 Post by Justme » September 25th, 2013, 3:44 am

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.'

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy s***!" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if
he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead right in the middle of my lesson!"
Hate, the offspring of fear cannot exist where understanding reigns supreme

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Justme
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Re: Just a Joke

#725 Post by Justme » September 25th, 2013, 5:30 am

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?


Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
Hate, the offspring of fear cannot exist where understanding reigns supreme

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Justme
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Re: Just a Joke

#726 Post by Justme » September 25th, 2013, 5:31 am

One night, a burglar broke into a house . He was shining his flashlight
around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

Hearing nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he started pulling the stereo out to disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you!"

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he wispered
to the parrot.

"Yes," the parrot responded, and
then squawked, "I'm Just trying to warn you that he is
watching you."

The burglar replied. "Warn me,
Who are you ?"

"Moses,"
replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed.
"What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a
Rottweiler Jesus."
Hate, the offspring of fear cannot exist where understanding reigns supreme

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Justme
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Re: Just a Joke

#727 Post by Justme » September 25th, 2013, 5:33 am

A teenage girl came home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?"

"What's that?" asks her mother.

"That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter.

"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"
Hate, the offspring of fear cannot exist where understanding reigns supreme

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Justme
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Re: Just a Joke

#728 Post by Justme » September 25th, 2013, 6:05 am

Interesting piece of history:

In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine .

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
Hate, the offspring of fear cannot exist where understanding reigns supreme

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Justme
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Joined: August 30th, 2013, 3:03 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#729 Post by Justme » September 25th, 2013, 6:07 am

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"


"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"


Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your damned cat."
Hate, the offspring of fear cannot exist where understanding reigns supreme

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Justme
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Re: Just a Joke

#730 Post by Justme » September 25th, 2013, 6:11 am

A driver is stuck in a huge traffic jam in Washington DC. Nothing is moving. Suddenly there is a knock on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks the person who knocked on his window "What's going on?"

"Well it seems that terrorists are holding all the members of Congress hostage in the capitol building and if they don't receive 100 million dollars in ransom they are going to douse them in gasoline and set the place on fire... We're going car to car and taking up a collection."

The driver asks "How much on average is everyone giving?" The other man replies "Roughly a gallon".
Hate, the offspring of fear cannot exist where understanding reigns supreme

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Dave B
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Re: Just a Joke

#731 Post by Dave B » September 30th, 2013, 7:04 pm

It seems that Terry Pratchett has modified the old saying, "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, give him a fishing rod and you feed him for life."

Pratchett's version is, "Make a man a fire and keep him warm for a day, set a man on fire and keep him warm for the rest of his life.”

Black humour but typical Pratchett!
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

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Alan C.
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Joined: July 4th, 2007, 3:35 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#732 Post by Alan C. » September 30th, 2013, 8:34 pm

Dave B wrote:It seems that Terry Pratchett has modified the old saying, "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, give him a fishing rod and you feed him for life."

Pratchett's version is, "Make a man a fire and keep him warm for a day, set a man on fire and keep him warm for the rest of his life.”

Black humour but typical Pratchett!
Groan..That's an old one Dave. :)
Just to be pedantic, if you made a man, or woman a fire, a, they could copy your method and make their own fire, or b, they could keep the original fire burning indefinitely.
Probably wouldn't work if you set him/her on fire though. :wink:

I have probably said this before but I'll say it again as it fits with your first sentence.
In the countries/regions that are desperately short of food, why don't we show them how to farm fish? A good source of protein and not weather dependent, I know not everyone on this forum agrees with it and some equate it with battery hens but if the climate in some places is such that land based crops are so hit and miss, surely alternatives should be looked at .

Completely wrong thread for this, sorry.
Abstinence Makes the Church Grow Fondlers.

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Dave B
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Re: Just a Joke

#733 Post by Dave B » September 30th, 2013, 9:03 pm

Groan..That's an old one Dave. :)
May be old to you but it was new to me and I could not remember seeing it here :D

Hope it was new to someone else.
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

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animist
Posts: 6522
Joined: July 30th, 2010, 11:36 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#734 Post by animist » September 30th, 2013, 9:16 pm

Dave B wrote:
Groan..That's an old one Dave. :)
May be old to you but it was new to me and I could not remember seeing it here :D

Hope it was new to someone else.
yes, and the old ones probably are the best ones!

Nick
Posts: 11027
Joined: July 4th, 2007, 10:10 am

Re: Just a Joke

#735 Post by Nick » October 1st, 2013, 2:25 pm

Some comic or other added to the old gag: "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, give him a fishing rod and you feed him for life."

"What's more, you get to keep the fish".

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Tetenterre
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Joined: March 13th, 2011, 11:36 am

Re: Just a Joke

#736 Post by Tetenterre » October 1st, 2013, 3:45 pm

Dave B wrote:Hope it was new to someone else.
It was to me, and I chuckled.

Another fish one:

Give a man a fish: feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish: feed him for life.
Give a man religion: he will die praying for fish.
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

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Tetenterre
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Re: Just a Joke

#737 Post by Tetenterre » October 2nd, 2013, 8:23 am

Is Glenn Millerband or Steve Millerband the long-lost brother of Ed & David?

Sent from my GT-I9100 using Tapatalk 2
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

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Tetenterre
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Re: Just a Joke

#738 Post by Tetenterre » October 17th, 2013, 1:44 pm

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Steve

Quantum Theory: The branch of science with which people who know absolutely sod all about quantum theory can explain anything.

Nick
Posts: 11027
Joined: July 4th, 2007, 10:10 am

Re: Just a Joke

#739 Post by Nick » October 19th, 2013, 2:41 pm

"Doctor, doctor! I'm suffering from keptomania!"


"Well, take these pills, and come back in a week. If they don't work, can you bring me a colour telly....?"


:D

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Alan H
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Joined: July 3rd, 2007, 10:26 pm

Re: Just a Joke

#740 Post by Alan H » November 1st, 2013, 11:29 pm

Dean, to the physics department: “Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff? Why couldn’t you be like the math department? All they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets? Or even better, why aren’t you like the philosophy department? All they need are pencils and paper.”
Alan Henness

There are three fundamental questions for anyone advocating Brexit:

1. What, precisely, are the significant and tangible benefits of leaving the EU?
2. What damage to the UK and its citizens is an acceptable price to pay for those benefits?
3. Which ruling of the ECJ is most persuasive of the need to leave its jurisdiction?

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Dave B
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Re: Just a Joke

#741 Post by Dave B » November 2nd, 2013, 9:43 am

I heard it before as, "All they need is the trash bin."
"Look forward; yesterday was a lesson, if you did not learn from it you wasted it."
Me, 2015

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